How long is too long without sex in a relationship?

What Causes a Lack of Sex in a Relationship?

Significant decreases in or a lack of sexual activity in a romantic relationship can be caused by: 

• An event that causes mistrust
• Body image issues of one or both partners
• Increased negative thoughts about self and partner
• Worry and/or overthinking
• Higher stress levels 
• Lack of good communication
• Feeling less connected to one’s partner
• Overall relationship dissatisfaction

You may find it difficult to talk to your partner about your sexual satisfaction and opinions. Though it’s uncomfortable, this absence of a discussion can also contribute to overall feelings of dissatisfaction.

How Long Is “Too Long” Without Sex in a Relationship?

This question is highly person- and relationship-specific, and the answer will often have many influential factors to consider. It also cannot be generalized to a specific gender, sexual orientation, or any other people group.

If someone has a higher sex drive, they might feel the need to have sexual intercourse multiple times a week in order to feel emotionally fulfilled and feel intimacy in a romantic relationship. However, many factors, such as low libido, hormonal irregularities, sexual preferences, and more might cause a couple to regularly go longer without having sex. 

In any case, it’s best to have open communication with one’s partner about each other’s sexual preferences and needs. This way, each person knows where the other stands and will be able to accommodate them more effectively.

How Long Is Too Long Without a Relationship?

Each person likely has their own concept of how long they believe is “too long” to be without a relationship. Those reasons likely also have much to do with the specific person’s values, beliefs, and ideas of what their lives and relationships should look like. 

Instead of wondering how long would be too long without a relationship, you might ask yourself the following questions:

1. What are my reasons for seeking a new relationship?
2. Are these reasons/personal needs I can meet myself or with the help of a social support system?
3. Am I still healing from a past relationship?
4. How will I determine/know if I feel ready to enter into another relationship?
5. What are my boundaries surrounding a potential romantic relationship?

This reasoning is completely personal, and, oftentimes, people who do not enter into a relationship soon after the end of another relationship tend to need time to heal themselves and focus their energies inward—however long that might take.

How Long Do Dry Spells Last in Relationships?

Many clients in individual or couples therapy who have not been sexually intimate and state that there has been a lack of sex in a relationship have usually gone approximately 2-6 months without having any form of sexual contact. Again, though, this is something that should not necessarily be generalized but is person- and relationship-specific. 

There are many variables that directly modify the length of a sexual absence within a relationship. For example, an increase in the quality of communication, acts of service, or emotional intimacy can quickly end a “dry spell.” Even just bringing it up and acknowledging the sexual absence and what may have led to it can help a dry spell end more quickly. 

Is 2 Months Without Sex Normal?

As stated above, many therapy clients who have not been sexually intimate and state that they are in a dry spell have gone about 2-6 months without having any form of sexual contact. 

Judging by this time window, two months without sex is not necessarily abnormal, though no sex in a relationship for six months or more can be an overall sign of relationship dysfunction. However, each relationship is unique and will have its own timelines for sexual activity and its own “normal” standards for how often it occurs.

Can a Relationship Survive Without Sex? Side Effects of Lack of Sex in a Relationship

Significant psychological and physical problems can arise, both interpersonally and intrapersonally, by not having sex. Psychologically, if two partners are in a committed sexual relationship, going for long periods without sex can cause feelings of hurt or rejection and significantly decrease levels of intimacy and connectedness within the relationship, especially if this issue is ignored or not addressed between the partners.

Physically, sex has been scientifically proven to reduce levels of stress and cortisol levels, decrease inflammation, boost mood, and regulate hormonal activity throughout the body. While a lack of sex in a relationship may not always be a direct cause of any of the dysregulation listed above, it can also be a contributing factor.

However, not having sex is also not always something to be seriously concerned about. While wanting sex or physical pleasure is normal, not wanting it or even feeling an aversion to it is also normal for many people. This can be caused by low libido, hormonal changes, or can even be a natural part of who you are, as with many asexual and demisexual people.

Though sex can be rejuvenating and help you connect with a partner, it is not a necessary part of living a good and happy life for everyone.

What Are the Effects of Lack of Sex in a Relationship?

The reasons why some couples stop having sex look very similar to the effects of not having sex. These issues almost always accompany an unwanted lack of sex in a relationship, whether as a cause or as the effects. The behavioral and emotional signs of a lack of sexual intercourse within a relationship can include: 

• Irritability
• Increased mistrust
• Body image concerns
• Negative thoughts about self and partner
• Worry and rumination
• Increased stress levels
• A decrease in quality of communication
• A decrease in the overall connectedness one experiences
• Overall relationship dissatisfaction

This isn’t to say a relationship without sex can’t be happy and healthy or have good communication. However, sex can be an important and integral part of romantic relationships, and the lack of the release and understanding it can bring can point to problems with communication, emotional tension, and certain amounts of distrust—or, in turn, start causing those issues.

Can Lack of Sex Ruin a Relationship?

While it may not be the specific culprit in the ruin of a romantic relationship, a lack of sex in a relationship can be an indicator of overall poor relational health. In romantic relationships, frequency and consistency of sexual intercourse can be a strong indicator of the overall feelings of connectedness, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, and feelings of satisfaction within the relationship. 

It can be a helpful window into a relationship for therapists working with couples, as it is a good way to gauge how healthy the relationship is. Often, the healthier the relationship, the more satisfying and/or frequent the sexual behavior.

How Often Should a Couple Have Sex?

How often a couple should have sex is relationship-specific and should take into account each partner’s sexual arousal levels and desires, as well as the realistic time throughout the week they have to engage in sexual intercourse. 

The best way to estimate how frequently you should be having sex with your partner is to consider: What frequency makes me feel sexually fulfilled? What frequency makes my partner feel sexually fulfilled? 

A common rule of thumb amongst many couples is that having sex at least once a week satiates their personal and physical needs, but, again, this is different for every couple.

Though sex is often portrayed to be spontaneous, it is completely normal, and often advisable, to plan out sexual activity according to each person’s availability. This can help each person make their expectations and desires clear rather than having to assume both of them are on the same page.

Can You Be in a Relationship Without Sex?

You can absolutely be in a relationship without having sex. As previously mentioned, there are those who identify as asexual, meaning they are not interested in sexual activity and do not wish to engage in sexual intercourse. Asexual people engage fully in romantic parts of their relationship but have varying degrees of aversion to sex. Asexuality is a spectrum, and people who identify as asexual can still elect to have sex with partners, though others may not have any interest in sexual activity of any kind.

It’s also possible that one or both parties are not ready to have sex yet. This boundary is completely normal and should be respected for as long as it takes for the person to feel comfortable taking that step. There can be many reasons why someone might want to abstain from sex in a relationship, and reasons behind this personal choice can be shared or withheld as the person sees fit. 

If you are in a relationship and all partners do not identify as asexual, then there is a possibility a temporary cessation of sexual activity can still exist in a healthy way, but it must be discussed and agreed upon by both parties. Withholding sex as a manipulation tool with your partner is never advised and is often viewed as abusive behavior.

How to Rekindle Sexual Intimacy With a Partner

• Have a conversation about it: Often, issues with sex in a relationship aren’t talked about, as sex can be an uncomfortable topic for some. However, it’s potentially the most helpful and important thing you can do. Talking through what issues led to this gap in sexual intimacy and how it is impacting you both emotionally in a non-judgmental way will help you get to the heart of the issue. Consider using tools like “I” statements to help make sure each person is conveying their thoughts and feelings without blaming or shaming.
• Foster emotional intimacy: A lack of sex is rarely just that. There is almost always an underlying reason for a shift away from sex, and these reasons are often tied to a lack of emotional intimacy between partners. Whether it’s talking about your emotions more regularly, spending more time with your partner one-on-one (like date nights), or taking time to intentionally care for your partner, building the emotional intimacy in your relationship back up can be a great way back to each other.
• Meet with a mental health professional: Though it’s important to talk things through, sometimes, extra support is needed to navigate these conversations effectively. In these situations, there are often many factors impacting a couple’s sex life, and it can be difficult to unearth them all on your own. A mental health professional can guide you expertly through discussions, helping you get to the bottom of things, make sure both parties are heard and understood, and give you helpful strategies to improve your sex life that work for your specific relationship. 

These are just a few of the ways you and your partner can rebuild your sex life. 

In the end, sex is an important and exciting part of life for many people. However, when sex disappears from a romantic relationship, communication and understanding are key to making sure the transition is a healthy and mindful one, whether it’s a step away from intimacy or back into having sex.