Future faking: how to spot and respond to this relationship red flag

What Is Future Faking?

Future faking is when someone makes grand promises about your shared future to manipulate you emotionally, without any real intention of following through.

At its core, future faking is a manipulation tactic, often used by people with narcissistic traits. It usually starts with overwhelming affection, showering with love, and vivid stories about the amazing life you’ll have together. These promises can sound incredibly convincing (think: dream vacations, perfect homes, or even starting a family together), all designed to keep you hooked.

Future faking is most common at the beginning of a relationship, as the goal is to build a fast, intense connection before you have time to notice any red flags, explains Kara Kays, licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) at Thriveworks in Colorado Springs, CO. Once a real bond is formed, these tactics tend to lose their power and may become easier to spot since it’s more obviously insincere.

But future faking isn’t limited to the honeymoon phase. It can also pop up at the end of a relationship, especially when the manipulator senses you’re about to walk away. In these moments, they might double down on promises of change or a brighter future, hoping to regain control and stop you from leaving.

In short, future faking is all about keeping you emotionally invested with promises that sound too good to be true—because, unfortunately, they usually are. 

Why Do People Engage in Future Faking?

At its core, future faking is about control. The person doing it—often someone with narcissistic tendencies—quickly figures out what you want from a relationship and spins an irresistible vision of your life together. The goal? To keep you invested and make it harder for you to walk away.

This behavior often stems from a deep fear of rejection and abandonment. Narcissists are highly sensitive to any hint of criticism or loss. Even the smallest sign that you might leave can feel catastrophic, so they use emotional promises and grand plans to keep you close and maintain control.

People who engage in future faking also use it to keep their partner from:

• Thinking of alternative future plans that don’t include them
• Having original thoughts that might lead to questioning their words or motives
• Considering other partners

As Kays points out, “future faking can be both intentional and unintentional. People are complex, inherently making relationships complex.” So, not every instance is rooted in malice. Sometimes it’s a misguided attempt to hold onto a relationship or mask their own insecurities.

Still, no matter the reason, the effect is the same: You’re left chasing promises that may never come true.

Are Love Bombing and Future Faking the Same?

Love bombing and future faking are both forms of emotional manipulation, but they work in different ways to create closeness and dependency. Love bombing typically happens at the start of a relationship and involves overwhelming someone with gifts, compliments, and affection to quickly build trust and emotional connection. The goal is to draw you in fast, often laying the groundwork for further manipulation once trust is built and you’re emotionally invested.

Future faking, on the other hand, relies on grand promises and vivid plans for a shared future—promises that are rarely, if ever, fulfilled. Instead of focusing on momentary words or actions, future faking dangles the hope of a perfect tomorrow to keep you committed in the present. This tactic can make you feel bonded and optimistic, but it’s ultimately about control and getting you to stay.

While love bombing and future faking can be used separately, they’re often paired together for maximum effect. Love bombing softens you up and wins your trust, while future faking keeps you hooked with visions of what could be. Both are warning signs of manipulation, especially when the affection or promises feel too good to be true or don’t match up with real actions.

Signs You May Be Experiencing Future Faking

Watch for these key behaviors if you suspect your partner might be future faking:

• Frequently bringing up the future in specific ways, often three or four times a week
• Making grand promises but never taking real steps to fulfill them
• Talking endlessly about your future together while shutting down or ignoring your questions or interruptions
• Wanting you to adopt only their vision of your shared future, dismissing your preferences
• Creating plans that initially seem tailored to you, but gradually shift to reflect only what they want, often pressuring you to accept their version
• Responding to feedback or criticism about the future with anger or defensiveness, showing rigid thinking
• Refusing to apologize when upset, sometimes even blaming you for their mood or reactions

While it’s possible for someone to change these behaviors, if they’re rooted in narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic personality disorder, professional help is usually necessary. These manipulative patterns are often so deeply ingrained that the person may not even realize the harm they’re causing, making outside support and perspective essential.

How to Respond to Future Faking

If you suspect future faking, the most important thing is to avoid getting swept up in the emotional whirlwind. Instead, pause, regain your perspective, and take practical steps to protect yourself. Here’s how:

1. Pause and center yourself. Take a moment to decide what you want to say or how you want to approach the conversation. Consider using a calming technique like box breathing or mindful meditation to sort your thoughts, then go into the conversation with a plan. Decide what you want to say and approach the conversation with intention.
2. Address it directly (even if it means interrupting). When your partner starts making big promises, politely ask to pause the conversation. Clearly express your concerns about their plans or behavior and see if you can open a dialogue with them. If they refuse to listen or keep steamrolling the conversation, consider how that makes you feel and whether this relationship is healthy for you.
3. Change the subject. If direct confrontation isn’t productive, steer the conversation to a new topic. This can defuse tension in the moment and give you space to revisit the issue later, when they’re not talking so passionately.
4. Limit or cut off communication if needed. If your partner won’t engage in honest, respectful conversation or keeps making empty promises, it may be time to step back or end the relationship. Protecting your emotional well-being comes first.

Trust Your Gut and Seek Outside Perspective

If potential future faking scenarios are appearing early on in the relationship, pay attention to (and trust) your own emotions and physical reactions, Kay says, as these are often your best warning signs. Also, listen to feedback from friends and family. If people you trust are noticing red flags, take them seriously.

Remember: You have every right to step away from a conversation—or a relationship—that feels manipulative or too good to be true. Staying grounded and trusting yourself is the best way to break the spell of future faking. And if you find yourself trapped on a too-good-to-be-true first date with someone who is future faking, it’s entirely OK to excuse yourself and leave.