Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a condition that can make trusting other people and establishing lasting relationships extremely difficult. This can make coping with BPD in relationships frustrating for the person carrying the diagnosis, as well as for a loved one trying to understand and be supportive.
While navigating borderline personality disorder in relationships doesn’t require radically new boundaries or communication styles, people with BPD may be extra sensitive to perceived rejection. That’s why setting boundaries or saying no to someone with BPD can require extra care and a balance of empathy and assertiveness. Whether you’re dealing with a loved one or a friend, these tips can help you maintain a respectful and compassionate approach.
9 Tips on How to Say "No" to Someone with BPD
Building stable relationships with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be challenging, especially when trust has been eroded by past traumas and negative experiences. To navigate these complexities, it’s crucial to stay grounded and consistent in your approach. Here are some strategies to help you say “no” and effectively communicate your needs to someone with BPD.
- Acknowledge their perspective and feelings. Make it clear you are trying to fully and clearly understand their perspective. A person with BPD may have a hard time articulating a single feeling and instead may jumble together a range of thoughts and feelings that come out all at once. Try to synthesize what they are saying and repeat it back to them. Ask if you have it right, and then acknowledge their feelings. Oftentimes, people just want to feel heard, regardless of if they have BPD or not.
- Use “I” statements. If you are trying to say “no” to or set a boundary with a person with BPD, frame the statements around your own feelings and needs. This can help the person not go on the defense immediately. For example, instead of saying “You’re fixating on an issue and are being too demanding of my time,” you could say, “I need a break from speaking about this issue because I am feeling drained.”
- Be clear when setting a boundary, avoiding vague messaging. When communicating boundaries with someone who has BPD, be direct. Clearly state your limits without ambiguity, and stay calm to prevent the conversation from escalating. It’s also helpful to have consistent messaging when reinforcing your boundaries. Consider explaining that the boundaries you set are to benefit both your relationship, not to push them away.
- Be an active listener. Allow them to share their thoughts or concerns before you reply. This shows respect for their emotions, even if you don’t agree with what they are saying. Recognize their feelings by saying something like, “I understand this might be hard to accept,” but remain firm in your decision.
- Avoid justifying excessively. Keep your explanation brief and straightforward to avoid confusion or unnecessary arguments. Over-explaining can derail the conversation and invite defensiveness, so stick to the main point without excessive justification.
- Be prepared for pushback. When saying no to someone with BPD, be prepared for a strong emotional response. A BPD episode might even be triggered as a result of you saying ‘no’ or setting a boundary. Stay calm and firm in your boundaries, offering empathy without backing down. Acknowledge their feelings, but don’t validate behaviors that are not appropriate.
- Give it space and time. If your friend, partner, or relative has BPD and is experiencing an angry outburst, take your time and some space to let them (and maybe yourself) cool off. Dealing with BPD in relationships sometimes means spotting when someone is emotionally reactive and may experience difficulty controlling their anger.
- Offer alternatives, if it makes sense to do so. If you see potential for a middle ground that doesn’t compromise your needs or boundaries, take the opportunity to explore a possible compromise. A compromise or an alternative solution that meets both of your needs can help reduce feelings of abandonment.
- Follow-up with reassurance. Reassure the person that saying ‘no’ or setting a boundary with them does not mean you are leaving the relationship. People with BPD may have fears of rejection or abandonment, and so it can be especially important for you to take the time to listen if they want to talk. Showing that you value and support them can make it easier to set boundaries with them in the future.
How to Communicate with Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
Dealing with someone with BPD can be challenging at times, but ultimately, their diagnosis should not rule your relationship or how you speak to them. Here are three things to keep in mind when navigating BPD in relationships.
- Talk to the person in front of you. Don’t respond to their diagnosis, but to the behavior and communication you’re seeing and hearing.
- Don’t assume they’ll fly off the handle or be irrational—give them the benefit of the doubt.
- Have healthy, realistic expectations of what behaviors are acceptable. If you see behavior that doesn’t work for you, don’t personalize it. Don’t be critical.
Can You Ignore or Say No to Someone with BPD?
You can ignore someone with BPD if you feel disrespected or unsafe, but do this as a last resort when communicating your boundaries hasn’t worked. Acknowledge their feelings, but express that you feel disrespected, upset, or overwhelmed by their current behavior. You should never ignore or stonewall anyone, but saying no (in a respectful manner) is perfectly acceptable and sometimes necessary.
If you ever feel uncomfortable or unsafe in a relationship of any kind, it is okay to separate yourself from the relationship. Help is available 24/7 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
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How Do People with BPD React to Rejection?
For people with BPD in relationships, the threshold for perceived rejection can be very low. By perceived rejection, this refers to feeling as though they’ve been rejected by someone they care about, even if that hasn’t actually happened.
Small failures on your part, such as being late for a date, being grouchy in the morning, or forgetting to text or return their calls can be triggering. People with BPD might cut you off suddenly if they feel disrespected or rejected.
If the person with BPD hasn’t received care or insight into their diagnosis, this can sometimes lead to big reactions. A small inconvenience can snowball into something larger.
For someone with BPD in a relationship, reacting angrily to these small slights is not a way to manipulate you: To them, it truly feels like such a huge deal that they feel the urge to protect themselves from mistreatment.
What Is the Coping Mechanism for BPD?
For those with BPD, the tendency to react angrily to perceived rejection is a primary protective mechanism. Their mind is often ruminating on the past, using past poor experiences to make assumptions about the present and future.
It’s like keeping an eye out all the time—while thinking, “I can’t get hurt.” People with BPD may also cope by engaging in impulsive behavior. This can include:
- Risk-taking
- Spending extravagant amounts of money
- Drug use
- Binge-eating
- Promiscuity
Essentially, without healthy coping skills or grounding techniques, they may resort to behaviors that are not productive or good for them in the long term.
Those with BPD often have a weak sense of self, which can make saying no to impulsive behavior harder. They may experiment frequently with changing their identity, appearance, taste in music, culture, and more.
Do People with Borderline Personality Disorder Realize How Much They Hurt People?
No—people with BPD may have a very low tolerance for natural relationship stressors. This means that they often don’t believe they are being hurtful when they lash out if feeling rejected or ignored.
What Are Things You Should Never Say to Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder?
If you’re preparing to have a difficult conversation with someone with BPD, try to have the conversation in a neutral place if it’s appropriate. Consider what you’re both going through at the time and be consistent. If you’re setting boundaries, follow through with what you say.
When approaching a problem, remember that direct criticism will often elicit a strong response from someone with BPD. Try to use “I” statements and focus on their actions, rather than focusing on who they are as a person or making judgments about their character.
Announcing any kind of ultimatum is not usually a good way to negotiate with a loved one who has BPD (or anyone else). Threats, especially threats of abandonment, will make the situation much worse, as this is their worst fear. Avoid extreme language and keep your tone calm and clear.
People could be very upset that the natural consequence of their actions mean that you have to set new boundaries. That initial discomfort that someone with BPD may feel from your setting healthy boundaries is normal. Keep consistency alive. That’s what builds trust—this is what people with BPD want more than anything.
The Bottom Line
Navigating relationships with someone who has BPD requires a delicate balance of empathy, patience, and assertiveness. Saying “no” can be particularly challenging due to the intense emotions BPD can trigger, but with the right strategies, you can set boundaries while maintaining trust and respect. If you need support navigating your relationship with a person with BPD—whether they are a romantic partner, family member, friend, co-worker, etc.—a mental health professional can help you.