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Overthinking in a relationship is something we all do from time to time. However, if it happens all the time, it can become unhelpful and even detrimental. The constant internal chatter can make you believe thoughts that are not necessarily true, such as convincing yourself that people you love don’t actually care about you. This can lead to you not communicating effectively, becoming more guarded, losing trust, not being present in your relationship, feeling anxious, or having even more distorted thoughts.
Learning to stop overthinking about someone you love can be especially difficult given the amount of significance we often place on romantic partners. Here are some tips and tools you can apply to learn how to stop overthinking in a relationship.
Why Do I Overthink So Much in a Relationship?
Overthinking in a relationship often boils down to a lack of trust in others. You may have been hurt or abandoned in other relationships, have experienced past relational trauma, feel insecure, or want to control things outside yourself. Common causes of overthinking in relationships include:
- Childhood experiences
- Attachment issues
- Cognitive biases (also referred to as distorted thinking)
- Trauma
- Limiting core beliefs
Unlike with codependency, which involves being overly close and attached to someone you love, overthinking can cause you to withdraw. Hurt like this can be difficult to overcome, but one of the first steps is acknowledging the hurt and its connection to why your overthinking.
Can Overthinking Ruin a Relationship?
Overthinking strikes all of us at some point, but if it goes unchecked and unresolved, it can certainly morph healthy relationships into toxic relationships. If you fall victim to your thoughts and allow them to go too far, they can end up driving a wedge of distrust between you and other people in your life.
9 Steps to Stop Overthinking in a Relationship
If you have a tendency to overthink in your relationships and want to learn how to stop, you can still turn things around. Self-awareness and self-reflection are often the first steps to stop overthinking in a relationship and to instead start cultivating healthier attachments. As you become aware of your thoughts, it is important to get to the root fears that lead you to overthink. Here are some steps to follow to stop overthinking in a relationship, whether it’s a romantic relationship or even a friendship.
- Identify triggers: Overthinking can happen in varying degrees — there may be specific actions or experiences that trigger more intense rumination. For example: What if your partner takes a long time to text you back? You may find yourself wondering what they are doing and why they didn’t text back. This can trigger a spiral into catastrophic thinking that leads you to a negative place, such as feeling like your partner is ignoring you or no longer loves you. Identifying the trigger for this type of spiral can be a helpful place to start. This way, you have an awareness of what causes your overthinking.
- Notice and reflect on your thoughts: What are they, and where are they coming from? Try starting with vocalizing your thoughts and feelings to yourself in some way, whether that’s journaling about them, saying them out loud to yourself, or even just writing feelings or words that pop into your head. At this point, don’t judge your thoughts. Simply notice that they are there.
- Label your thoughts and challenge them: Get a handle on everything you’re feeling and perhaps allow yourself to see that your thoughts may not be logical. Every feeling happens for a real reason, but they can be misdirected if you don’t know the real reasoning behind them. Ask yourself, “Am I catastrophizing, mind-reading, or even filtering out all of the positives?” These are all cognitive distortions that reinforce our negativity. Attempt to label your thoughts as fact, false, or something in between.
- Reframe your thoughts: After you’ve labeled some of your thoughts, try to fashion them into more accurate statements. For example, if your partner has taken a long time to text back and you find yourself ruminating on why and then concluding that it means they don’t love you, take a pause. Label the thought as false, and then reframe it. Instead of assuming they don’t love you, challenge yourself to consider that maybe your partner is taking a long time because they do love you. Perhaps they are simply waiting until they are free and can devote more time and attention to your text.
- Open lines of communication with your partner: Be honest with your partner that you are overthinking some things. Talk through your process and how you are trying to overcome harmful ruminations.
- Ask for support: Lean on your partner for support. Let them know some of your triggers and if there is anything they can do to help alleviate some of your anxiety around those triggers. For example, you might request that, even if they can’t respond immediately to a text, that they simply acknowledge it with an emoji. It’s important to make it clear that, though you might need their support going forward, you are taking accountability for your own emotions and letting them know that they’re not responsible for your emotional regulation.
- Practice mindfulness: Another helpful way to stop overthinking is to work on being more mindful. Mindfulness and meditation help you to control your thoughts and become more focused. Journaling to de-clutter your mind or keeping a gratitude journal to reshape your perpective can be great tools to keep anxious thoughts at bay. If your thoughts feel too jumbled or fast, take a few deep breaths with the intent of stilling your mind. Often, lowering your heart rate and taking deep, calming breaths can improve focus.
- Give yourself a self-care boundary: This can help you not give as much space or “real estate” in your brain to unhelpful thinking patterns such as overthinking. Overthinking can easily make someone feel overwhelmed, so by letting go of some of those thoughts or not allowing them to linger in your mind, it might allow you to spend your energy on viewing the thoughts that come up more objectively.
- Seek help from a therapist: It’s great to help yourself, but it can be difficult to sort your thoughts and decide what to do about them on your own. A therapist can give you a new perspective on your thoughts and feelings, help you delve into your past to seek answers, and help you decide what approaches and treatments would work best for you. Therapists also provide a removed, nonjudgmental space for you to be honest about everything you’ve experienced and all you’re feeling.
- Practice self-compassion and acceptance: Be kind to yourself. If you are overthinking in your relationship, it’s likely because of anxiety or a difficult past experience. It can take time to overcome these issues—the fact that you are even identifying the issue and putting in the work is huge. Ultimately, overthinking might just be your brain’s way of coping and trying to protect you. While it’s ultimately an unhelpful practice most of the time, thank your brain for doing its best and working hard to protect you.
How to Apologize for Overthinking in a Relationship
When apologizing for overthinking, it might be helpful to think about what the fears, thoughts, and worries truly are and state how you are truly feeling. Talk to your partner about what the root issues are and seek professional help if necessary.
How Do You Fix Overthinking in a Relationship
Fixing overthinking in a relationship takes time and effort. It will require applying some of the steps above, and maybe seeking help from a mental health professional who specializes in anxiety or something else. Simply wanting to learn how to stop overthinking in a relationship can be the first step. It means you’ve identified the issue, and you are being proactive in finding ways to overcome it.
